autumn is near

2008-09-08T18:18:00.001-07:00

It wasn't so much an isolation, looking back, but a self-imposed inability to exist. It wasn't a loneliness, to be lonely implies a desire to not be alone. It was something altogether darker, altogether more distancing and damaging to the psyche.
It wasn't so much an isolation, looking back, but no matter what I'm glad I've left it all behind.
I'm glad I have lived to see better days and more than anything I'm glad that I had the insight and will to recognize my own failings and make better of myself, to remove that self-imposed inability to exist and to feel for the first and last time true loneliness enough to want more than I had.

I am doing well.
I am back.

fuckin' bow down.

2007-10-14T00:48:00.000-07:00

Sometimes, the road is not such a lonely place. You flip on the CB, find out why the cars are backed up a mile ahead of you. Or maybe you pull off to help a couple of college age kids change a flat. But when things flow smoothly, when there are no wayside coeds and the Citizen's band is humming silence, the emptiness of it all can creep up on me. Like a big white noise, a hypnotism formed with the running, swerving, rising and falling lines of white and yellow smeared on black asphalt or mud brown county roads. I don't look for being alone, but it finds me anyway. Independence Day and Christmas, the family gathers around and we drink to much and eat too much, respectively. They're all gone within a day or two, like traffic jams and kids whose dads should have taught them how to change a tire. Then it's back to that ceaseless whir, back to days of work and sleep or mile after mile of cigarettes and truck stop caffeine.
I tried not to think about it like that. I never liked to feel self-defeated and I wasn't fond of self-pity. This is your lot, I'd reason it away. The truth was that life, like the road, was only lonely as long as I was willing to allow it. Choices - some good and some bad - had lead me to my latest set of miles sitting behind a wheel next to an empty passenger's seat.

It was the middle of the end of the year. The smell of burning leaves comes in with the crisp of Autumn air. A few minutes, and it's gone. Another two or so miles down the road and it's back again. It was the same every November, no matter where I found myself in the wide sprawl of highways and interstates and county roads and little belt-line streets that skirt around towns too small to have a twenty-four hour diner.
I wasn't exactly sure where I was headed. Hell, I never had plans when I'd settle myself against the cold leather seat and feel my hands grip the wheel. This time, though, something felt different. The smell of burning leaves, or pine logs smoldering in the fireplace of a passing farmhouse, was more peppery and the taste of the maduro cigarillo between my lips was more sweet and muddy. A lot of choices had built up over the years and determined, without my conscious say-so, that things were bound to change. One thing was certain, in terms of where I was headed. I knew this time that, when I finally decided to stop running, I wouldn't be alone by the end.

I'm not sure what possessed me, really. Maybe it was the song on the radio. Maybe it was the way the sun broke through the clouds and cast long-fingered shadows out across the road from the leaf-less trees hanging over the side of it. Maybe it was the way the raindrops started to fall and lit up in the sunbeams.
I'm not sure what possessed me, really, but I pulled over and stopped on the side of the road. The buttons intoned her number and a second later it was ringing. I told her I was about three hours out of Independence and that I was tired of being alone. I asked her if I could turn around and turn back time. It didn't surprise me that I was begging. I'd do anything and I told her that. I told her I'd decided to turn around no matter what, suggested maybe we get a cup of coffee and talk about it, she didn't have to say yes right away. She said yes, right away. Well, she said,
"Yeah. Yeah, all-right."
I think I heard a smile on her words.
The key turned and the ignition kicked up. I didn't have to may much attention to the road, I'd been that way a thousand times. Still, it felt like it was shorter than before. The drive back to Independence was, for all I knew, uneventful but admittedly I didn't pay much attention. My mind was just a blur, you know, all these thoughts just sifting through my logic. They weren't flying around inside my skull or bouncing off one another or confusing me or making my head hurt. They were just this soft glow, this warmth that started at the nape traveled down the spine, spread to my fingertips and flowed through my legs.
I called her ten minutes out from her apartment and she was waiting for me when I got there. She climbed in and the passenger's seat wasn't empty anymore. We said "hey," it was kind of awkward. We went on in silence to the coffee shop down the road. When the girl there asked what we'd have, we both said "just a cup of coffee," at the same time and I think I saw her smile a little smile. We sat down at a table for two in front of the window and we talked.
She said she missed me. She felt confused, but she missed me. I told her I was heading to anywhere west of Denver. I told her, again, that I was tired of being alone but I didn't beg this time. I just said that I couldn't think of anyone I'd rather have beside me on the road. I couldn't think of anyone other than her, really, that I could even begin to want. I still can't.
She smiled but it was brief. I saw that confusion in her eyes again. She asked questions. I answered them, truthfully. After a while, the coffee was gone, and we were back in my truck and I was going to drop her off back at her apartment and head toward anywhere west of Denver.

You know, looking back, you never expect the happy ending any more than you expect the tragic conclusion. You just expect life to keep on going on. Sometimes, though, something happens that just completely shocks you. I never expected the happy ending, that's for sure. I'm not sure I was surprised, though, when she told me she changed her mind. She already had some things packed, I guess she'd changed her mind a couple of times that day. We were only at her place for a couple of minutes. I'm not sure what she told her boyfriend when he asked where she was going. I never bothered to ask. All I know is that I finally really felt alive, with her sitting beside me and the long road ahead of us both together. The truck stop coffee tasted better, the cigarillo smoke was more awake on my tongue. Her hand was warm on my leg and the silence was never awkward, or the conversation dull.
Sometimes, I thought to myself, the road is not such a lonely place.

The End

2007-09-02T10:13:00.000-07:00

The skies are changing. The horizon is shifting with the setting of the sun.
I've noticed it for a little while so far but the past few days it has become very clear to me just how close Autumn really has come.
All summer long I spent my time smoking on the front porch. The setting sun would slip down between the trees in a certain spot, every single day.
I noticed a couple of days ago that now you can't even see it when it sets as it has shifted so far to the south that it is now behind the house when it drops down in the sky.
It excites me. The way the shadows on the ground have changed to reflect the shifting of the sun in the sky. The way that, even though it's still really warm, the temperature struggles to reach by midday what it would have reached by morning only a couple of weeks ago.

It's so alien now to me.
I remember years ago when I spent the summer in Alabama and returned to New York after Autumn had set in. It felt so odd on my skin, to feel cold air, and to need in earnest to wear a jacket and long sleeves.
I can't wait until I see my breath the first time.

if only i was sure..

2007-08-23T00:22:00.000-07:00

It wasn't the drive into The City that made the trip to see her so unbearable. It wasn't having to roll up my windows the moment I pierced the visible bubble of smog hanging over every inch of its skyline that made me dread going to visit with her.
The simple truth was that I wasn't sure I was brave enough for what I had to do. I wasn't sure I had the constitution to say to her and do to her what I knew I had to say and do. I had to say 'I can't,' and then I had to break her heart and walk away.
I snuffed my cigarette out in the ashtray beneath the radio control panel and rolled up my windows as the clean smell of my countryside became almost instantly tainted at The City Limits.
To me, The City and the girl were analogous with one another. At first, it seemed like a great idea. Start of small with intent to grow. Grow and grow and grow until it swallows up all resources, until it covers you so completely you can barely see the sky. You forget the last time you knew freedom, the last time you knew peace and quiet and simplicity. It seemed like a great idea, at first, and then it grew and grew and grew until I could not even breathe.
She didn't look very surprised when I said I couldn't handle it any more.
She didn't say a word when she closed the door in my face.
Later that night, I laid up on my roof and looked at the stars. Endless black, constantly speckled with shining silver light. The freedom of the countryside is hard to put into words. After leaving The City Limits, it's open road and vast wheat fields all the way to the shore and from there it's endless ocean as far as one can see. Above, you have the sky, space, the ever present yet constantly changing endless expanse of nothing and everything. My mind ached to reach what my arms could not.

To Be Continued.

2007-08-18T08:42:00.000-07:00

I've become so disenchanted with the internet; people who think their words online truly change their ego. Small men in large cages with the masks of lions and tigers and bears. So many people use the internet to flex their ego, and it's such total bullshit.
It seems to me like people go so far out of their way to insult, belittle, begrudge others and put themselves across as so confident, so amazing, so god-fucking-damned breath taking and witty that you just must bow down to them because they are that wonderful.
The manipulators of the world have known it since the dawn of time - the big secret - if you project yourself as a king, those with a weak ego will look up to you as if you are one.
All it takes is telling people that you are amazing for them to believe it, if their own ego is weak enough, but online this whole system shifts. It is much more simple to project yourself as something you are not, and it's much easier to get people to follow you and believe you because all they see is that which you allow to be seen.
As such, they see no flaw, they see only perfect confidence.
It's total bullshit.

Down with Internet Egomaniac Syndrom!

help me bring this shit to an end, because i know what i'm talking about and you want to follow me!

2007-07-17T22:55:00.000-07:00

1.How old will you be in 12 months?
23 exactly. o_o wow. big number there. that's fuckin creepy.

2. When did you last drink diet coke?
uh..i have no fuckin clue.

3. What do you look forward to most in the next 2 months?
autumn. ::me too ashmie! me too! n_n

4. Who was the last person you called?
my mom, to see about meeting her and dad for dinner.

5. Who was the last person to call you?
not a clue. unless you count my brother calling to talk to my folks and also to tell me happy birthday.

6. Who was the last person to text you?
me, using my girlfriend's cellphone.

7. Sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex. Addicted?
most definitely n_n!

8. What were you doing at midnight last night?
i have no clue. probably watching tv. i think i might or might not have been a little drunk last night. i know i had a beer or two, but i don't know. i don't remember it too well, either way.

9. Parents seperated/divorced/married?
divorced, separated, remarried to each other.

10. Last time you saw your dad?
this evening.

11. What happened at 11:00 a.m.?
the alarm clock went off. i stayed up basically all night, but i didn't want to sleep my birthday away.

12. How many states have you visited?
after many a check, recheck, double check, double recheck, triple check, et cetera - 40.

14. Do you prefer shoes, socks, or bare feet?
shoes and socks.

15. Are you a social person?
pretty much.

16. What was the last thing you ate?
japanese food, yay! ::me too ashmie! me too!! n_n!

17. Favorite ice cream?
sticky toffee pudding!!! n_n and rocky road. and mint chocolate chip. mmmmmnummy. and pumpkin spice!!

18. What is your favorite dessert?
ice cream or punkin pie. ::me too ashmie! me too!!! n_n!!

19. Evian?
uh...stupid question?

20. What kind of jelly do you like on your penut butter and jelly sandwich?
grape!!

21. Do you like coffee?
for me, coffee is up there with sex and coffee and nicotine.

22. How many glasses of water a day do you drink?
no clue? not very many? 0 sometimes? do they make sex water, nicotine water, or alcoholic water?

23. What do you drink in the morning?
i'd drink those waters i just made up if they existed. instead i usually take a swig of chocolate soy milk and call it a morning.

24. Would you rather kiss someone with or without a tongue ring?
i don't know. i think it'd be awesome if ashley got one, though.

25. Do you sleep on a certain side of the bed?
usually on the left side. sometimes, however, ashley and i like to "switch it up."

26. Do you know how to play poker?
i know how to play that generic 'poker' that isn't actually poker, and i have a general grasp on the concept of true poker. do you know how to play hanafuda?

28. Any plans for this weekend?
muhhhdunno. i'll probably like, look for a job or something. and be lonely while ashley works her lil butt off. she's so the bread winner. n_n

29. Do you eat out or at home more often?
you can't do both? o_o (that's right ;) i went there ;) heheh)

33. Would you ever get your nipples pierced?
i'm not sure, i don't think they look all that awesome on guys. though some guys do pull it off. ouch, or maybe they don't, because i think to pull off nipple piercings would fuckin hurt.

35. Do you prefer an ocean or a pool?
that's like asking if i prefer a well cooked steak or the perfect piece of pumpkin pie. they are for different things, to me.

36. Do you prefer a window seat or an aisle?
window seat. to watch out the window, and to rest my head against the wall of the plane as by the hours drone.

37. Do you know how to drive a stick?
no way jose.

38. What is your favorite thing to spend money on?
myself. n_n! for now, cos that's all i've ever had to spend it on. but soon, on my ashmie. n_n cos she is great, and very good to me, and is an amazing girl and deserves all the presentgifts in the world.

39. Wheres questions 40 and 41?
what kind of question is that? o_o

40. What's your favorite alcoholic beverage?
hmm..that depends on why i'm drinking. i like wine for getting tipsy, i like sidecars and east and wests to get drunk, and i like ales, stouts, and lagers for casual drinking when alcohol intoxication is not a priority.

41. What's the last CD you bought?
I bought Every Time I Die - Gutter Phenomenon and Silverstein - Arrivals & Departures together with some of my birthday cash.

42. Who is the funniest person you know?
i guess it must be me! cos ashley says i'm the funniest person she knows, and we both know generally the same people..

43. Do you sleep with stuffed animals?
i sleep with my girl.

44. What is the main ring tone on your cellphone?
uhhh...idunno? i guess it's that..spring one..that came with my phone.

45. Do you still have clothes from when you were little?
i did have one shirt, my very favourite from when i was a child. i have a picture of me wearing it when i blew my first bubble. then my ex decided to just keep all of my shit that i was physically unable to remove from her house along with some relatively pricey books and things that i cherish. like all of my japanese dishes.

46. What is the color of your bedroom wall?
white. ::me too ashmie! me too!!!! n_n!!!

47. Do you shut off the water when you brush your teeth?
never. my girlfriend tries to pull this shit on me and i'm just like "nuh-uh bitch, back that up."

48. Do you like pie?
punkin pie!!!!! i loveeee it. ::me too ashmie! me too!!!!! n_n!!!!

2007-06-25T18:23:00.000-07:00

since ashley has been here, i haven't really been online hardly at all.
i've put up some photography, messed around on myspace, and done a little internet browsing (mostly reading around wikipedia), but mostly i just haven't really had the free time to be on the computer and when i do - well, what am i to do online? i haven't anything of interest on here right now.
i'd sort of like to get back into the whole internet thing a little bit, though. start blogging more regularly again like i had been until i went to get ashley, maybe doing some more serious thing on the computer with my free time like writing and art, and taking that to the internet in some way.
i don't know, i kind of have this urge to get my stuff going again - designing ideas, writing, forming new concepts to replace my rusty old ones.
it's a new world for me, and i want that to translate into the rest of my life.

he crawls like a worm from a bird

2007-05-28T21:58:00.000-07:00

wow.
i haven't posted in a while.
and for good reason.
i've been gone - on the road again, i can never wait to get on the road again (luv ya willie).
ashley's here. life, therefor, is amazing and wonderful beyond words.
i've become addicted to coffee - not a cuppa joe coffee, but real, high quality stuff. i'm talkin four shot espresso mixed up with steamed (soy)milk and cinnamon and mocha and all of that great stuff.
the good thing about this is that while in the past couple of weeks it has proved to be quite an expensive addiction, it is now basically entirely free - ashley's quite a great barista (seriously), my dad has an 800 dollar espresso maker (which he received for free from a friend), and ashley has two pounds of espresso bean she got free (and legally). this means i get fresh ground, good espresso (though the maker's starting to age a little, so the espresso doesn't taste top on its own).
now, i am free to indulge in these great tastes simply by saying 'hey ashley, would you make me a drink?'
(or, as it went this evening, "get your barista ass up to the kitchen and make me a drink!")

the foul side of all this is that until i have coffee, i am a slug from the moment i get up in the morning, my eyes hardly stay open on their own, and i get crushing headaches whenever i go a few hours without coffee.
i forgot what caffeine addiction was like - i used to be pretty much this sort of addicted to it a couple of years ago - and now that i'm remembering it kind of sucks.
at least it's a tasty, warm, good way to stroke an addiction, right?

nice fuckin disguise. so hollowwww

2007-05-07T11:30:00.000-07:00

some people are idiots.
unlike most rants that would start in such a way, this isn't even really a rant. i don't even care that some people are idiots in the 'grrr idiots' way - it makes me laugh. some people are just such idiots, one can only pity them and laugh heartily when they're not around. right?
i'm tempted to drop some names here, but since there is the off chance they may actually at sometime read this, i'm not going to because you laugh heartily when they're not around, not when they're reading everything you've said about their stupid selves.

happy dayyyys

2007-05-06T14:09:00.000-07:00

i didn't want to move. the voice on the alarm clock kept repeating but i squinted up my eyes and tried to force my mind back to sleep. it wasn't the alarm clock that finally roused me - it was the smell of breakfast.

to be continued? who knows

2007-05-06T10:06:00.000-07:00

i bought a new cd today. it is called love jam and it is by ai otsuka.

ashley's gonna hate me.
but it makes me happy.
so torn.

heheheheheh

2007-04-30T18:46:00.000-07:00

how is it that people who are invested in online communities presume everyone else is as well?
sometimes when i'm bored, i do something very close to trolling. i go to this forum that is the hub of communal discussion for a game i played when i was a teenager. i state my opinion (which is rare for me elsewhere), but do so in a very different tone than usual and even exaggerate my feelings on certain subjects. while i don't do it to troll, rather because it's funny to watch people overreact to things that are not even trollish (i don't flame bait, i don't flame, i don't post offense content, et cetera) because they're uptight elitist geeks.
geeks are probably the most humorously pretentious people on the planet. they tend to be homely (be it from naturally being ugly or because they don't take good care of their bodies), they tend to be socially awkward, they tend to be totally lame and yet they are some of the most elitist people you'll meet. not because they're smart and they know it - i'm talking about geeks, not genius scientists. it's such a myth that these kids are smart - they've just applied themselves to certain subjects to make themselves feel as if they're somehow superior to those who do not (for instance) read binary.
then they act all high and mighty.

normally, this would annoy me from other groups but with geeks, it just makes me laugh. it's like poking a stick into a hive of stingless bees. they just swarm around, beating their noisy wings and can't even hurt anybody.

then they expect you to give a damn - and cannot fathom that you might just be bored and enjoy watching them brown nose the alpha geek.

live at the apocalypse cabaret

2007-04-30T07:51:00.000-07:00

i'll be on a plane flying toward Omaha, Nebraska in two weeks and a day. going to Omaha's awesome enough on its own, but the purpose for which i travel makes it all that more betterer.
i wanted to write more than just this, but that's about all i can think about right now. i'm preoccupied!

oh, and that purpose is to get mashley.

got a cricket for a conscience

2007-04-28T16:43:00.000-07:00

that's what it'd sound like if i breathed underwater.
I, however, have not that ability. As such, I hold my breath. I've been swimming so much lately. It's kind of cool, because it's getting my body in better shape and giving my skin some colour for a change.
It's so nice to be swimming again. Water is probably one of the coolest things in the world (that's so obvious, since we need it to LIVE and stuff!)!
I don't know why this entry is so funny and WEIRD! Like, yesterday Brandy was telling me that Jorge was wanting a new car and I was like ALREADY?! and she was like YEAH! he's totally tired of his old one from last year. WHATEVER.

I've decided I detest pretentiousness. In every imaginable way - whether you are pretentious about the books you read, the clothes you wear, how indie you are, how punk you are, how ecologically friendly you are, how vegan you are, how you like industrial music and sip wine, all of that shit. Pretentiousness completely sucks. From now on I'm going to be as unpretentious as I can and see where that gets me. I'll be way better than you for it, I can guarantee that.

i have it on good authority that brandy totally sucked jorge off at that party last night

2007-04-21T08:51:00.000-07:00

my nieces do this really annoying thing when they make-believe. they dictate everything they want to the others, by saying "you saw that this is full of magic potion. you saw that i was going to drink it." - what's worse, though, is the way they say it. whenever they make-believe, even if they're not saying 'you saw,' they do this annoying sing-song questioning tone. it's so annoying!
they narrate what they're doing, and then sparsely say little bits as whomever they're supposed to be (whether they are acting in character, or playing with barbies).

i cannot express how annoying the whole thing is. and they do it all the time, over and over and over and over again.

you saw that this post was over

2007-04-18T13:36:00.000-07:00

lately, i've had this feeling of buying some normal men's bootcut jeans and some not-super-tight t-shirts. how bizarre, you know?
i found one of my old blazers, it was way huge on me and stuff, but it made me miss dressing like in that way. plus, i'm kind of in the mood for something new, to expand my horizons. i've been dressing like this (tight clothes, et cetera) since i lost weight, really, and i'm kind of curious how i'll look in something else, in something more like i used to wear.
i mean, i'm not about to start wearing pastel coloured polo-shirts, but you know what i'm saying.

god, the quality of my blog posts has been sucking lately, even before my little spew of CD-centric one-liners. where my caps at?! who know! who know!
maybe next time i update, i'll have something to say and will say it with more..maturity?
ya rite!! n_n!

ashley (re: chiodos song): "it's cool"

2007-04-16T09:39:00.000-07:00

HMMM.
I've been sooooooo bored lately! Sooooo bored!
I'm not even joking.
My soul wishes it had something to post about here, but I'm being honest, there is absolutely nothing going on in my life right now.
I might not get to have my weekly sushi tomorrow night. That's going to make me sad.

SEE HOW DULL IS MY LIFE?!

2007-04-12T09:39:00.000-07:00

Cassadaga.
It's really good.

I know not what else to say.
Just lend to it your ears.

if i ever got too hungry

2007-04-09T09:21:00.000-07:00

i finally got my CRIMES CD back. this is a joyful day for sure!
also i have not showered in a few days! i keep myself smelling fresh and my face clean, but woohoo! freeedooooooom from social normalities!!!

this is actually kind of nasty. generally i shower at least every day. now i'm just doing this to PUSH THE ENVELOPE!! nasty!

with all my fuckin heart.

2007-03-30T08:07:00.000-07:00

i've finally found that somewhere point between who i am and who i've always felt i am obliged by birth to be.
southern rock metalcore - and true in every meaning of each of those concepts. dirty south lyrics, skynyrd-esque guitar work, metal riffing, hardcore/metal vocals, hardcore tempos, breakdowns, face melting, fist pounding, exploding head, tear jerking music like nobody can't want.

finalllly.

2007-03-28T12:29:00.000-07:00

i have a story building in my mind lately. i'm not sure how to pull it off without it being totally lame, as it has heavy fantasy and possible science-fiction flavours. i'm really not sure if i want to do it or not, it's hard for me to decide on something like this because i tend to dislike literature of such a nature (though i'm a fan of games and movies within those genre of writing).
however, the saving grace in my mind would be the modern setting as opposed to near-future or prehistoric swords-and-sorcery setting.
this makes it difficult to write, as i'm not sure exactly how i even wish to tell the story or exactly what the story even precisely is - especially if it might actually be more closely aligned to the horror genre than either sci-fi or fantasy.
see, it deals with monstery things. and shot guns.
and maybe machetes.

maybe even young machetes

2007-03-27T17:45:00.000-07:00

i posted on wfw (see: link, "foolishness is bound in the heart of a child"). that's actually somewhat interesting or exciting or one of those two or both. i'm not even sure its' any of them, though, to be honest.
i dreamed last night that a girl i knew in utah was sleeping with my neighbour and that's why his cute girlfriend is gone. it was a very strange dream. i remember feeling sorry for the cute girlfriend and the girl from utah's boyfriend. he was pretty cool.

i need to get a life here. i can't wait till ashley moves down here, then we can go out and do stuff together and things will be greatfun awesome. i just wish that day would hurry here so we can get a move on.

i think my love of the blood brothers has moved to the stalkerish stage. i was up at 3:30 last night looking them up so i could divine which was which and whatnot when i realised that i had no idea who was playing what instruments or anything.
i talked about it for like eighteen hours with ashley last night and a bit today.
it's totally crazy.

ashley's car is all smokey and i'm worried about her.
i don't want her to be a black crispy thing.

you get her through this, vincent, damn it

2007-03-26T10:19:00.000-07:00

i've been listening to bright eyes lately. mixed in with chiodos and stuff like that.
it's a nice change, really, to just mix it all up and not stick to one particular style or mood or lyrical base. i even have some hip hop thrown in there. that's my claim to coolness, my 'i'm so varied and special.'

i'm thinking of buying a handful of coloured t-shirts from some place like gap or landsend, where they're high quality materials and such but just simple and logo-free and whatnot and just making all of my clothes colourful but unbranded and unstyled. then do my own style.
just like UniQlo always told me to do. i should make my own style damnit!

i've become addicted to Full Throttle energy drinks.
mmmmnummy.
I've also been drawing lots of stupid pictures lately. One of them can be found on my devART. Take a gander.

i hear if you make friends with jesus christ, you will get right up from that chalk outline.

2007-03-25T07:13:00.000-07:00

cast away into SPRING that is.
it's so lovely. so so lovely.

lookit, i updated my colour scheme finally.

ashley told her mom.
insanity ensued.
this morning feels weirdish just, because things have changed - brought in a level of drama that i have not experienced in a while, and it bugs me that my peaceful simple life is being disrupted by ripples on the surface from waves beneath the pond.

in other disjointed paragraph news, i'm planning a totally awesome story idea for maybe really writing this time.
and i still have that letter on amnesia from man to wife that i need to type up but i can't find my notebook right now. which also means ashley won't be getting her letter as soon as i had planned, since i can't send it without my notebook. :(

look, i just used an emoticon on my blog. joytime!

2007-03-21T17:23:00.000-07:00

I'm going to update my colour scheme real' soon like. But right now I'm kind of tipsy. It took me 1810293 tries to type the header up there.
So, be patient my lovelies.
(as if any of you but ashley even exists)

md20/20

2007-03-17T22:05:00.000-07:00

ashley went to a blood brothers show tonight.
i burn with insatiable jealousy.

2007-03-12T22:29:00.000-07:00

i have a handful of regrets.

one of them is the choices i made in utah.
i passed up numerous people that were all-right, that could've been good for me, good to me, et cetera because i was afraid i would end up knowing no one if i stopped hanging out with the one person that i didn't want to be hanging out with in the first place.

another one of the regrets is that person.
so much time thrown away, a whole summer spent doing things i never wanted to do, being places i never wanted to be, and meeting people i didn't get to befriend.

The good thing about regret is that it teaches us what not to do next time.
When we know how we've failed in the past, instead of it forming who we are or continuing in the way we failed, we can correct the problems in ourselves and go on living life as a good person, making the right decisions.

that said, i'm very sleepy.
goodnight.

fire, fire, fire

2007-03-06T17:07:00.000-08:00

I'm running out of !'d titles for my posts. Maybe I should think of a new way to flow (for ordinary joe).

I've been on musical overload lately. I've bought three CDs in a relatively short period of time, especially for me. This is somewhat ironic because I am not working. Anytime, however, I come across enough for a CD, I buy one. It beats buying cigarettes. To think of how many CDs I could have purchased if I had not been smoking all this time..
I've finally written my story about amnesia. I wrote it a little while ago, actually. It's on paper, so it'll take a bit to type up, and right now I just can't be arsed. OH WELL.
In other news arty, I've uploaded quite a bit to my devART lately, so take a look if you haven't. As of this writing, the latest is a picture of a daffodil that just might be the coolest best photo I've ever taken, in my own opinion.

So, I spent like the past week at my dad's mom's house and boy, let me tell you, that was pretty goddamned boring as usual. Of course, it's pretty boring here too, but at least I have my photography, you know? It was fun there at first, but then this horse died and my grandad realised he's 70 and got all emo for a while and..meh, boredem set in. Ah well.
The FANTASTIC news is that this all will not last a whole lot longer. My parents are going to be moving into their new home soon, and I'm going to go down to Anniston and stay with them and work for a bit so I can pay off a debt I owe them, then it'll be off on my own for a bit until May. Then mashley will be here, and everything will change again and this time in the most amazing way one could probably not even imagine.
I really, really can't wait for that part. It's going to be..very, very nice. Life will be supreme.
I don't really like when people just go on and on about their significant other, but she really is amazing. She's everything I could ever ask for or want or need, and then even more amazing good things as well. Sharing my home and life with her is going to be really awesome. We're going to play Street Fighter and go to the market to get groceries for dinner. It's going to totally be the rock out BEST.

they are senses fail, chiodos, and saosin (in order of purchase) - it's like a taste of chaos for my cd player!

2007-02-27T09:23:00.000-08:00

i search through photographs taken when the sun was setting. i search for a meaning, a way to show you the stars bursting in my heart. i search for the thousand words i've yet to write and hope that i can shortcut down photograph lane. i scream out loud in my head but the thought patterns do not drip like ink into words on a page and they do not form little pixelated letters on a screen to better explain what i mean. i feel a story trapped, it's inside me and i search for a way to let it out. i search for the words to tell of how he rose above the rest. i search for the way, the how to the why and the who and the what. i want everyone to know him. he was stuck in that line between a man and a boy when he was young enough to dream yet old enough to realize that dreams fail the foolish. a sentence comes from the search but i can't go on. i go back to pictures, hoping that somewhere in the blades of grass and statuettes my thoughts will start to shine through. hoping that somewhere in the fallen leaves and waters' sunlight reflections, i can somehow express the things he felt in the epic that has built up in my heart. somehow these things speak of him, and i hope that if i focus on them long enough his story will form without those pixelated letters on a screen, without the dripping ink words on a page. i hope that maybe, somehow, i can take that shortcut down photograph lane and that if one only looks at my photographs long enough the story will form itself and the beauty of those little things that we see every day, all around us will somehow start to make sense the way it made sense to him. it's all connected, in my head, and i search for the bridge that will pull it altogether for everyone else, the one way to show them what it all means and why, and what, and maybe when you all learn the why and the what you'll all begin to understand the who, and i will have realised the how. no one until now knew that all of it was driven by some need to tell the story, the same story i have started writing time and time again for as long as i can remember. it's the same story, they're all the same, and the photographs are telling it for me now. they are telling the story that means the most to me in a way words never could, in a way the character i've formed could never act it out on page. he wanted so few things in life, but the one thing he wanted most was to let the stars, the light burst from his mind and he hoped that when that happened she would see it all somehow and love him. another sentence. another ending. i search, i search, i search.

it all makes sense

2007-02-23T12:40:00.000-08:00

I quit smoking. Again.

This time, though, I'm quitting for a very different reason - not guilt, not to please others, but because my health has not been lately what it should and I've noticed some issues with my blood pressure and things of that ilk.
So, the smokes are out and health is in.

I wasn't going to declare it this time around, because I'm tired of not living up to my own goddamned word.
That's just another excuse, another way out, isn't it?
It is.

No more excuses, lies, et cetera. Tha end.

pizza?!?!

2007-02-18T06:12:00.000-08:00

I feel like suck.
I wish I could escape my need to obsess over things in my mind. I wish I could just let things go, forget about them, the past is the past, et cetera but for some damned reason I can't. Even little things, even medium sized things, they eat at my brain if I don't talk about them, if I don't tell the person how I feel and find some resolution to my feelings instead of just throwing dirt over them and allowing them to fester and rot inside me.
For some reason, things like 'I'm sorry' are never enough for me. My brain is much colder than my heart would like it. In the same way my brain can't accept 'I am God' without proof and reasoning, it can't accept 'I'm sorry' without the same. I can't just say 'oh, okay.'

And I hate that. I really, really hate that. I feel I should try and change it, force my brain to think some other way but I know it would break it, I know it would make things worse in the end and any moment of peace that might come from it at first would be lost entirely and spoiled froever.

And I hate that, too.

i love you

2007-02-07T21:03:00.000-08:00

I can only update my blog with regularity as internet access will allow.
That, remember.

I've spent the last few days with my dad's mom and step-dad. What this means for me is sitting on my ass, being bored out of my mind, and having to smell dog and cat constantly in such putrid extremes that I will not even begin to go into details. Needless to say, I immediately washed everything I took over there as soon as I got home today.

The new diet (not: weight-loss programme [sort of, though I'm still only 160lbs, i like to think of it more as 'weight control'] - rather: way of eating on a daily basis) is going great. Pescevegan to the end, I always say.
The awesome news is that Ashley has joined in with me on this eating scheme, and that's awesome - it's nice to have someone else riding in the saddle next to me.
It seems that very few people outside of my generation even understand the concept of such a diet around here - "well, you can have some of these beans, I left the ham in one big piece so you can just not get any of it out with them," or, "oh, these greens are fine, just pick out the large chunks of ham if you don't want to eat meat."
When will people understand that "I don't eat any meat but seafood, and no other animal products" does not mean "I don't eat chunks of flesh from animals but I'll eat anything that has been stewed in their fat, or has their fatty-secretions blended in with olive oil!" - or will they ever?

Classic line from my paternal grandmother: "What size fish do you want?", "Just a small one.", "How about two small ones?"
What's the fucking point.

mashley is the cutest. check out her new blog (linked in my links over there)

2007-01-30T18:30:00.000-08:00

On my trip down here, I started writing like mad. It was kind of like typing with my eyes closed - I wrote this essay on the power of writing for writing's sake, with an analogy and whatnot all in there. It was really more of a letter and ramble than an essay - in deed, it was part of a letter to Ashley.
I am reminded now when typing that sometimes typing for the sake of typing has that same wonderful feeling to my fingertips. The clunking of the keys is not unlike the scritching of the pen on paper, and to just close my eyes and let the words flow out of me really seems to be something special. The way my mind just works together with itself, opens up to the keys and my fingertips know just where to go to make my thoughts flow out onto the screen. Every slip up felt in my head, my eyes pop open and I stare at the mistake and feel disgusted - for opening my eyes, for slipping up to begin with, for every little facet of the mistake. Then I plod onward, clunk clunk clunk. Nothing can stop me, nothing can stop me, nothing can stop me - except for stopping myself. If I stop myself, if i read over what I've typed already and give it too much thought I lose the steam so my eyes close again and on I go, typing and feeling and erasing a word here or there when I feel it is too out of place (though I try to limit myself in this capacity).
I type so fast the keyboard is smoking and I feel the mistakes and just ignore them now, they'll be there wherever they are when I make them so I can see just how many or few I really make when speed becomes a key factor in typing. So I type on, the desk is flaming now and I just keep typing, smoke and flames rising from the keyboard and my fingers are melting and burning and being worn down into little bluoody gnubs that just keep going and goi and why did i spell it gnubs.
A breather. My eyes are open.
What's the point of this? I could go back, could edit those few mistakes here and there, could cut out all of the random stream - but what's the point of doing all of that, either?
Instead I end this now.
Before I carry myself away again.

i want to light the torch that brings to every lonely night the light of love.

2007-01-29T17:43:00.000-08:00

Ah, Alabamie.
Honestly, what was I thinking? I never thought I'd miss Utah this much. It's not even that Alabama is so awful, it's really not - I just never realised how much I really liked living in Utah. Sure, the weather could be a bit harsh sometimes, and I really hated the weather, but all in all it wasn't that bad. The people were nice, there was a sense of familiarity and community there - kind of a pride in being there, even if you only lived there a year as I did. I really felt a sense of pride for that area, the kind where when you hear something about it on the news you're like 'Hey! I live there! We rule!'

But. Regret gets one nowhere, does it? No, sir, it does not.
I guess eventually those feelings will drift away, but they have been hounding me since first I left that place. At first it just felt like a trip away, a vacation or holiday. Now it feels like homesick.

goodbye to you

2007-01-23T12:34:00.000-08:00

I have become obsessed with separating myself from my home family here in Alabama. I feel like such an outsider that I don't want to fit in - not because I want to be different or get dirty looks as I said in jest before moving here, but because I've realised how much I dislike these people and how I do not want to be one of them.
The people here I do like, the people like me, they'll appreciate that I am not from here and my outsider status will make me even more..cool.

Today, I bought The Used's self-titled album - not just because Ashley insisted on how great they are, but because they're from Utah.

Shallow?

nah

2007-01-23T00:17:00.000-08:00

I have not failed. I've been without INTERNET.
Egads.
Whatever shall the world do without me?

masturbate.

2007-01-15T22:26:00.000-08:00

Well, I spent the week at my dad's mom's house and as such am only today able to sit down and write a post here. (and just in time!)
A real killer, that place. I gained five pounds in one weekend when I was there last week. Fortunately I was able to stave off the poundage this time around, but it was not an easy task - indeed, my charge was heavy in my heart.
I will not speak of the smell. Suffice to say that, upon my return to non-condemned housing, the literal first two things I did were toss my laundry in the washer and take a shower. So quick was I upon these things that I completely forgot to let my cats out of their carrier.
Also, the place is a drain on the mind, but I will not go there tonight.

My brain has collapsed in upon itself. Most of my time spent there was shared by my sister's children - all of them good kids (aged three to eight).
Still, they are children and, as such, I felt overwhelmed and exhausted by the time they left this morning.
It is because of this that my posting tonight will be short and, well, over.

check out my deviantART gallery for new photos

2007-01-10T20:08:00.000-08:00

I've uploaded a new photo on devART and there will be at least a few more to follow when I have time to upload them (already having resized and prepared to upload at least three other photographs).
In news less lovely, my grandmother is in hospital with pneumonia. At 83 years of age, that's not a good thing at all. She has been having respiratory issues now for the past year and an half at least with neither improvement nor degeneration of health, just a constant cough and wheeze. Now, in the past couple of days, her condition has worsened and they say she now has pneumonia.
Not good at all. As strange as it is to say this, and as unlikely as the outcome may be in reality, I have started preparing myself for her death. She looked very old today. I believe she has given up despite having good health for her age and the fact that she has aged well for her years and could probably live to see one hundred if she was no so convinced she's older than she is in reality. All of her vitals were excellent, her health is otherwise good, but she's convinced she is dying and in the end that's all it takes.

I'll surely miss her.

2007-01-08T19:35:00.000-08:00

Well, one thing is certain when you quit your job and move back to your home state with no where to call your own and no money in your bank account - boredem sets in.
I know, it seems like staying with my grandparents and not having to be responsible to anyone or for anything would be just what ol' stevie boy would enjoy, doesn't it? It's not.
It's boring. Very. It's not entirely the lack of having a job that causes boredem (in that I have nothing physically to do all day), but it's having this free time and no longer understanding how best it could be put to use.
This is my boredem. I have so much free time and I do absolutely nothing because I no longer understand or recall how to have fun, how to enjoy myself, how to create and design and dream. For the past few months of having a job, I became so used to not having free time that I have completely lost the point.

Never fear, however! In no time, I will be back on top of the leisure game. Writing, playing video games, going for walks, playing with dolls (by dolls I mean smexy young ladies - by playing, I mean playing) and all of those glorious things that with once I pleasured myself.

I will, as I said, continue to update this blog at least weekly (coincidence would have this post coming one week after my last), maybe more depending on how often I can get on the computer for an extended time in order to write a post.
By the time I do update again, I'll have lots to talk about.
Oh, I do have one thing to mention - my dad pierced his ear. I know.

iknow

2007-01-02T21:37:00.000-08:00

Remember when I'd always try to become what I called "retro-steve?"
I've decided to stop trying to do that.
You ask why fine I'll tell you.
I no longer need to try. Something absolutely amazing happened on my trip down here to Alabama (which is, subsequently, where I currently [as of January 1st {how fitting}, 2007] reside).
It involved the use of a prescription drug (for which I haven't a prescription) and, in the use thereof, myself I found.
I say "found" because, in the truest of senses, I was something lost. For years now, I suppose, I have been in a sort of depression. I use that word cautiously because of the stigma attached already to it by the minds of others and the misunderstandings many might find in my own particular case.
You must understand first that I once functioned, in many ways, on a few different levels "higher" than other humans. I do not mean higher as in superior, but in that these things were much more intense with me and much more highly noticable.
I talked non-stop. I mean that quite literally. Everyone I knew could not handle me, no one I knew could handle me. I would talk to any that would listen about absolutely any (and, most often, every) little thing that came to mind. I would never finish stories, conversations, disclosures of idea because I would switch the subject constantly in "annoying" little rabbit trails.
Another part of my personality that was more highly active than most people was my imagination. Because of this hyperactivity, I produced almost constantly. Photography, writing, even drawing (though in that aspect I was a complete failure).
Yet another intense part of my former self was my need to analyse every little thing, to find as much truth as I could behind every facet of life.
I am not able to pinpoint exactly when (as, toward the end, my personality was in a state of flux [or ebb and flow]) this depression set in, but so subtle was it in nature that few noticed (not even my own self, though long I have known something was not right) because it did not send me below normal and acceptable levels of joy, thought, et cetera but instead it brought me down from where I should have been, making me just like anyone else.
Most and many saw this as me simply maturing and not being so annoying (and many if not most were glad of it).
The realisation of this depression came in the form of what is basically a prescription variant of a street drug. I won't go into any details, but it pushes the user into a bracket far above normal function, right where I used to be.
The use of this drug brought back in glorious full-colour motion-picture quality the memory of how once I was, how once I prospered and progressed in the ways I never should have degressed.
After the drug wore off later in that day, nothing changed. I did not return back to what was then "normal" of me - instead, I was right back on top. No trying. No forced writing. No forced art of any sort. So silence.
I've barely stopped talking sense.

The glorious thing about all of this is that it is such a real, true "me" - not an emulation, not a forced imitation of what I think I once was and should now be. I simply feel it, in my very heart and soul and I have to let me be or I would rather die.

So, here I am.
Love me or hate me, I don't give a damn - I never gave a damn before and I'm tired of giving them over every little thing these days.

it's twenty-oh-seven, not two-thousand-and-seven

2006-12-25T12:48:00.000-08:00

Today is cleaning day. Hardcore. Surprisingly enough, I'm not getting a lot done (evidenced by my sitting here typing a post for my blog).
My earholes are almost healed up, and that's exciting. A whole world of difference awaits, and I shall embrace it with open arms (until I start stretching my lobes, then I'll be a bit constricted once more).
I left one of my favourite CDs in Alabama (through vile accident and circumstance), so cleaning today is kind of boring. Maybe I'll put on Pretty Girls Make Graves. Maybe that will get me up and moving and in the mood. (hardly)

This post is short, but I felt like posting. That's something, right?

probably not

2006-12-23T14:45:00.000-08:00

At first, progression for me was slow. It built up in little changes in my life and now suddenly it has exploded and everything, it seems, has changed. I am so entirely different from who I was only months ago. My love is given to another, I've had a job, I've lost loads of weight, I've become a good person, I listen to entirely different music, I've cut my hair, I've pierced my ears, I've fooled around, I've been out, I've stayed in from choice and not circumstance.
One thing, however, has not changed: I still love Japaneses colours.
Do you like my new scheme? I know I do.

2006-12-19T13:16:00.000-08:00

I decided last night to finally return to being a vegetarian after months of neglecting my favourite part of me. I'm not sure as yet in what direction I will go, however - for now, I am going to be eating dairy and eggs because (and this is not just an excuse) it's difficult when I'm travelling and not actually at home with my own pantries to go on a vegan diet. Right now, I need food that is quick and accessible, and ovo-lacto offers me that at least.
Still, eggs and dairy are probably some of my least favourite foods (excepting hard boiled eggs, which I adore).
Also, I'm not sure how seriously I'm going to take small animal ingredients. For instance, I crave ramen like there is no tomorrow, and it is difficult to find ramen that does not contain at least some trace of animal product. I need my kimuchi ramen, god damn it.
One thing I am going to, very much, miss from this place are the young people. Alabama has its own population of scene kids and posers and punks and hippies and vegans and all of that sort of thing, but here that's about all you have. In some ways, it makes it less interesting counting yourself among them - you all end up the same. True, in Alabama, I will be different and unique but so the fuck what? That can easily turn to loneliness. But no matter, I can adapt and live as I need to get by. That's what I love about being me.
That, and my ego.
But yes, I will miss some things here. Namely the young people. Never have I seen such a stock of gorgeous shehumans in such concentration. I'll miss them, for sure.
Another thing I'm going to miss is knowing my way the fuck around. I know the old routes around Alabama fairly well, some of them with my eyes closed, but I know this place like the back of my hand. Alabama has changed a lot just in the past few years since I was down there for any period of time. Moulton has a goddamned supercenter Wal*Pitofdoom. That's saying something.
I'm not entirely sure what to expect from Alabama. I'm not going to expect more than I can get, I'm trying not to be too hopeful, but at the same time I am not prepared to label everyone as lameholes and be with it done. There are most certainly people there like myself, I have seen them with my own two eyes. But connecting with them, that is going to be the more tricky issue, isn't it?
But that's all the future.
Let us remain in this moment and that life will come when it's ready.

beautiful morning with you

2006-12-19T12:56:00.000-08:00

It seems strange to me that my last post was only yesterday. It feels as if at least a few days have passed since, and I must wonder if the rest of the Winter will drag on like yesterday and today.
I sort of can't hardly wait for Spring to arrive, as soon as Christmas passes. Christmas is my one thing to look forward to during the Winter, and after that it is only months of dragged out cold and glumness. I want to smell flowers blooming and the fresh smell of grass and leaves on the trees. I want beautiful sunny days with a hand to hold and a smile to share. I want this new beginning to hurry and catch up with me. I've come to understand so much this past year, since Spring last, about myself and about other people. I want to enjoy the world with this newfound understanding, to look into another's eyes and know that they see only truth in mine. Love and understanding and truth. I wish someone would come with me, will see the things I see in a way I cannot - their perception built on their own understandings and experiences in life, to share that with me and my own view with them. To take photographs of a rising Sun and see the different angle we both take on that beauty. To ride down the roads that I'll soon haunt together and feel her holding on behind me. To feel the wind in our hair.
Spring time brings so many wonderful things with it - new life, fresh life, new beginnings and, strangely enough, longer days. The sunlight through the trees will fill me with life and I will be glad for it when the longest days of Winter have passed.
"But let us not look always to the future; let us find in this moment, this 'now,' the happiness and joy that life brings to our doors' step."

far away from far from here

2006-12-18T07:37:00.000-08:00

The winter has come about in earnest. It started to snow last night. As I readied my things - a box of music, books, movies, spiritual artifacts, a couple of bags of clothes - I didn't have the feeling inside that life was changing. When, last night, I stayed at my parents' house and saw it all being emptied and remembered the months I spent there after first moving to Utah, I realised just how much life really was changing.
Utah has been a big stretch in my journey through life - if a short time was spent here, there still has been so much internal progress that I cannot begin to detail all of it here. My life has taken a complete turn from where I was, where I was heading. It's fitting now that I should leave this place behind and start anew, leave what has taught me so much and take the best of it with me to a new place, a new beginning. How fitting, also, should that 'new' place, that 'new' beginning be the very place of my birth - my first new beginning, my truest. When I left that state as a child, I could not have been more different than I am now - the road my life was travelling then, should it have come to fruition, I would be very different today. I shudder to think.
Now I return, with my life improved beyond recognition and with a few little scars and lessons learned inside that helped me to see more Truth in life.
I will miss this place, somehow. The mountains, the sunsets. Beauty beheld and taken for granted in the time I've spent here. I will miss the people, too - the little relationships we make with people we do not know. Frequent customers at work, the baristas in Starbucks, the cute girls that work at Hot Topic. It's going to be strange starting over, losing my community that I've only just now started building - only now am I really started to make a community for myself and it will all be gone, here without me.
And a New Beginning awaits, a new community to form, new friends, old friends, new life and old life all will merge together. For better or worse, I smile and walk on down this new path with my few humble belongings and hopes for a better future than my past.

.. .. ..

2006-12-12T15:52:00.000-08:00

I regret the wasted time of the Summer. I regret letting my job take over my time, though these things can't be avoided. Mostly, however, I regret that I made friends with someone who kept me from making more friends, made me feel out and about but kept me from really doing anything with my time but sit in a car and smoke cigarettes and fool around and feel carnal. Having your only friend in town be a clingy junky that is in love with you is not as fun as it sounds.
I don't mean to say I wish I could've had more 'oh wow fun' over the Summer, only that I wish I had've taken the chance I had here to get out and actually do something, for myself. I should have gone to a dozen different shows that passed through the city, I should've made friends with people who thought about more than getting their next fix or fuck, people with art and minds and for fuck sake poetry readings.
Read me not incorrectly - I'm not giving up my hardcore stylings, I just kind of miss the indie kid side of me. That's what's nice about being open-ended as far as style and music goes, I can swing and sway however I want.
Anyway, back to what I was saying.
I regret spending my Summer riding around with Tiffany instead of doing something fun, informative, formative, artistic, expansive, interesting, entertaining, so on and so forth. This is my big regret this year - "I think you blew it. Did I blow it?"

I need to get a case of Rolling Rock and a few friends and let my happiness not hold me back, let the people I associate with not be the kind that hold me back and dumb me down and keep me from being my own true self. This is going to be very important when I get to Alabama. The quest shall not be an entirely easy one.

so wish me luck.

2006-12-10T10:39:00.000-08:00

I have a task.
You see, in a couple of weeks, I'm moving to Alabama to 'stay' (until it's time to move on - like, moving on with Ashley to some place else). Keeping up with this blog has always been a trial for me and much more so when I am in Alabama. Every time I go there I end up losing myself. This time, however, I will have the hardknock support of Ashley, who always encourages me to stay true to myself and be who I am instead of 'whatever makes you happy.'
This time, however, I've learned from the past and so I am setting this Trial of Trial for myself: not only will I not stop updating this blog, but I will update at least once weekly. At least. I'm not just talking about little posts like 'here is my weekly post' or 'i'm still alive. i promize.' - but real, informative posts on my life, my thoughts, my goals, my dreams, my love, my art, myself.
This is not going to be instant, however - until I move at the end of the month and actually arrive in Alabama, I probably won't be updating much if at all because I'm still working, trying to pack, and get moved all at the same time and the internet just doesn't accomodate that.
You might even expect a Tiny Bill or two if I can find that sneaky little fucker. I will have lots of opportunities for other such still-life adventures, so let's not limit ourselves to Tiny Bill. He's not that impressive (though the ladies all disagree). There's also a smoking elf carrying buckets of water. You'll see.

Now for a tad bit of vanity - I spent 30 dollars on a CD today and 25 dollars on piercing cleaning supplies and some jewelry. I'm not ashamed or worried, either. It's just one week of hard, toiling labour (because I only worked a couple of days this week).
The CD is The Cure (The Head on the Door) because Ashley has made me fall in love with them.

Currently in my CD changer: Previously mentioned album from The Cure, The Flaming Lips Mix 1989-1995, Nirvana - In Utero, and Marcy Playground Mix Favourites.

fancy meeting me behind that there tree for a 'chat'? we'll let our bodies do the talking

2006-11-22T16:38:00.000-08:00

I think one of the big things draining my ability to write and think is the music I've been listening so much to lately. I'm not going to change that, of course, I love my music. I just need to learn to play off them like I did the more thought-ready music to which I used to listen. It's not impossible, it will just take time. That's all. A little bit of time.

I got a hair cut couple days ago. Not from a beautician, nor from myself, but from a real, actual barber. My dad's barber, even. I told him to cut it like dad's. It kind of is. I have long sideburns.
Anyway, it makes me happy because I can actually hear again, which is kind of strange now that I think about it.

but before you know it, here i am again, fuckin' two o'clock in the morning, standing at a bar with a drink in hand

I'm writing again. Not so much just yet, but it's coming back to me and that feels really, really amazing. It's strange how lost I continually allow myself to become and how it feels to write again once I've started regaining my soul. I'll post the poem I wrote on here later, maybe. It's on that old Christian message board already. Hawhawhaw.
I'm also going to be writing a new short story soon, just a one-go bit that I'll finish before moving on to so much as scratch my eyebrow.

I'm probably getting my ears pierced for real within the next week (depending which days I get off from work). I almost went and bought some new jeans (because I need pants that fit me) but decided to save my dough so I can afford to get my lobes stabbed. That's going to be fun.

it would be cool just to be in your company

2006-11-16T18:40:00.000-08:00

So, a whole lot has happened since last I updated this blog. I need to really update it, the links and everything.
Anyway, Kim and I broke up a few months ago. I got a job a couple of months ago (in August, I guess). It's all-right. I'm a pet-supply stocker for a large chain pet store. Today I worked 24 pallets of dog food (mostly 40lbs bags).
I've lost all of my excess weight, am down to 158lbs (from 250 two years ago, 225 a year ago). The latter two changes combined mean that I'm toning what fat is left on my body, and that's cool, I guess.
Anyway, what am I doing talking about all of that on here? This isn't vanityland.

I'm not sure why I'm updating this instead of my LJ. I guess I'm just sort of bored with LJ right now. I got it, originally, so I could comment on Kim's blog but since she blocked me from leaving comments while logged in (though we're still friends) a while before we broke up (it was meant to be temporary but she couldn't figure out how to take it off, I guess) I don't really see a point in keeping up with it that much.

I wouldn't call myself shallow these days, my mind is just too busy to put out much of anything of any substance. I still do a lot of thinking, but I guess I sort of made up my mind about life a while ago and ran out of anything new to say. That's sad - 'only the constant change is permanent,' isn't that what I always used to quote? - maybe I should reevaluate life and see where it takes me now.
I know my ideas on sex have definitely refined - I'm still polyamorous, and still consider myself something of an ethical slut, but the idea of having many lovers and sex with many people is not so grand an idea anymore. Because of someone in my life right now, her name is Ashley, she means a great deal to me, the whole thing seems a bit gratuitous, I suppose. I'm positive there will be others, I love easily and like sex too much, but I'm content with her like I've never been content with anyone before and that makes me very happy. Anything else would just be added to an already perfectly content life - like too much ice cream after an amazingly satisfying meal.

I wish I weren't so shallow, though. I'm fairly vain - being thin and fit and all of that breeds that sort of thing. My interests seem to revolve around fashion and silly things like that which do not really matter. Just posting here is awakening some part in my heart that I've walled up and ignored for far too long, and a guilt is creeping into the pit of my stomach. I miss the days of smoking a pipe and realising the wrongs of the world, of not caring if my shirt was a wrinkled up mess, if my pants were a couple of sizes too big, or if my hair was a wind-blown mess. I smiled more, I think, when life was thus.

Anyway, that's really all I have to say for now. I've given myself a lot to think about. I'm off to jog my molten grey matter and see what I can do about this silly triteness that has become my day-to-day life.

it's petsmart

2006-07-31T14:19:00.000-07:00

As my eyes opened I rubbed my face and found myself outside my dreams. The hotel moved around uneasily above me as I tried to focus and recall where I was or where I had been. The little cardboard stand-up on the nightstand next to the telephone said it was an Econolodge. Then as sleep faded completely my mind returned to normal and I recalled everything so clearly - Scott City, Kansas and just for the night. I was on my way east, back from staying with some friends in Northern California. I sat up and on the edge of the bed and looked out the window. It was dark yet, but the sky was starting to blend into a mellow blue even as I was watching. The clock on the table read 05:21AM. I'd be on the road by six, I hoped. I stood and walked over to the bathroom and turned on the shower. As I relieved my weary bladder while I waited for the shower to warm up, my mind drifted in and out of the world of the awake. The shower soon washed all of that away and when I stepped out I found myself feeling very refreshed and entirely naked. I saw my reflection in the mirror when I reached to get a towel and I studied my body more than usual. My face was tired but I didn't see in my eyes the sadness I usually would have seen and my cheeks were marked with the thickest facial hair I'd ever garnered but that still wasn't very much. I decided not to shave and just tell people I'd shaved yesterday when it had, in fact, been at least a week. I'd lost quite a bit of weight, I could see my ribs somewhat clearly and felt suddenly very hungry. The last three weeks had been, perhaps, the most tiring and mind-consuming of my life up to that point. I tried to remember my last meal but simply could not, unless the little bag of Corn Nuts on which I nibbled the day before could count as a meal. I wondered to my mirror self how long I could last on Gatorade and Red Bull and he just shifted his eyebrow in a sort of 'who the fuck knows, man' sort of way and gave me that wry smile we were somewhat known for.
As I finished drying myself off I cursed the tiny hotel towels and their damned inability to completely dry a drop of water off a single inch of my body, which left me feeling uncomfortably moist and somewhat soggy as I pulled on a clean pair of underwear. They were clean but old and I promised myself I'd spend a little money on some new boxers as soon as I made it home. Or, wherever the fuck it was I had planned on going. My 'home' had been the couch of an ex-girlfriend I had back in highschool. We always said we'd stay close, we'd be friends, and it worked out that way for the best of both of us. Sometimes, though, late at night I'd hear her in her bedroom with that strange man-thing she called her boyfriend and it would be a little awkward. Just a little. Anyway, that fell through four weeks ago when she moved to Alaska because he up and joined the Air Force and got his man-thing ass stationed there. After that, I stayed with a couple of friends for a few days and then drove out west to this little town called San Francisco, California - maybe you've heard of it. I was never one for big cities but I usually made it all-right but that one almost ate me alive. I'm not sure what I was hoping to find there but whatever it was I think I found it. When the day came for me to head back to Wichita, back 'home,' I felt alive and well and happy for the first time since The Worst Month of My Life last December. After we left Wichita in late September, Rose and her new girliefriend and I had made our way up to Colorado Springs where the girliefriend, Keiko, had some extended family. I'd asked if she knew why Bijou Street had the big Japanese monument bit and she just looked at me in that way Asians always look at you when you presume they must know everything about anything remotely related to the continent of Asia. But anyway, that's about where my thoughts on the subject ended because I didn't want them to run along any further and I just wanted to put on my goddamn clothes and shoes and pack up my suitcase and check out of the hotel and find some place to eat some goddamn breakfast.

I never cared much for the musical entertainment that the Denny's in this part of the country so loved and cherished. It always bugged me to have to hear some country music singer with a voice that sounds like a fourteen year old fool kid who doesn't know how to talk with his newfound deep voice.
Where I come from, it's cornbread and chicken.
Well, motherfucker, where I come from it is cornbread and chicken and that's the last thing I want to hear when I'm trying to shovel down some hashbrowns and swill a mug of coffee before hitting the road. Those songs always got stuck in my head, always drove me mad when the wheels were whining and the reflectors were zipping past. The hashbrowns tasted slightly of soap - only slightly - but in my new-found hunger they were delicious. I felt like it was the first food I'd eaten since the day I was born and in some strange way it was the first meal I'd had just as me - free, from everyone and everything. As I munched on those well-cooked potatos and swallowed down my second cup of bitter and slightly sour coffee, I smiled to myself as an apt metaphor found its way into my mind: I was like a bird, then, that lived its life in cages that grew gradually, and he was always beating his chest against that wall, pushing as far as he cook and trying to find a way out to the next, bigger cage and then finally the cage is gone, the freedom is complete and he just flies. He doesn't know where he's flying to, he doesn't care because he just wants to feel that wind moving under his wings and he just flies one direction and then another looking for a place to land that doesn't make him feel trapped, ever, ever again. He never wants to feel trapped inside a cage again, no matter how big or spacious or well decorated the cage might be.
While I sat pondering this metaphor, imagining the wind blowing through my truck's window and through my hair and knowing just then exactly how that bird must feel, the door opened and a group of young fool kids walked in laughing and talking in loud voices. I glanced up. My concentration was busted, the metaphor slipped from my mind. They weren't as young as they sounded - none of them was a day younger than nineteen or twenty. I leaned back in my chair and stuck a cigarette between my lips with one hand. My other mindlessly groped for the ashtray and pulled it toward me. I watched them. They took their seats, they did that thing people do when they're all hyper and sit down and look around and calm down for a second while each one mechanically takes in their surroundings and sizes up the new area in which they have found themselves before turning back to one another to crack jokes and play with the packets of sugar. Which is exactly what they seemed to be doing, from my point of view.
Now, I wasn't watching them like some kind of curmudgeonly old bastard sonofabitch. I was just watching them, studying their faces and their expressions and the way they moved and talked. Most of them were free like that bird. Most of them, but these two - a guy and a girl - looked like they were all caged up. I wondered if they were caged by each other, held back by their fears and doubts and social constructs. I would later find out that only social constructs held them back. I flicked my Zippo open and the warmth of the flame was a bit too close to my nose for comfort. I decided it was best to concentrate on lighting the cigarette for a moment instead of paying for my people-watching with the gold of burned eyebrows. The waitress, she was plump and somewhere over forty and she came over and filled up my cup, mumbled if it was decaf and nodded like she already knew when I replied that no, I don't drink that shit because it's a waste of good coffee. I'd somehow managed to forget how good coffee tastes with a cigarette, but maybe that was just the freedom I was tasting. I took a sip and watched the young people moving and talking and laughing among themselves. I took another bite of my hashbrowns but I was full then and so I just sort of swallowed it without chewing it too much or making much of a bother out of actuall eating. I'd have time to eat later. I pulled out a notebook and started jotting down notes. The young man in the furthest side of the booth from my side of the room was young, the youngest I would wager, and he had a certain cocky glow in his eyes like something witty was always on the end of his tongue, just waiting to slip out. Beside him was the caged in girl, and she had her hair cut up to her jaw and it was all hanging down over her face and she laughed and made happy faces but her eyes seemed to betray her laughter as something less than genuine. Across from them there were three people packed in the bench and one I couldn't see too well because they were squished in the middle. It was a dude, but at the time that was about all I could tell about him. Except that he had brown hair that stuck up in the back and made him look like a chicken when he looked around from one of his companions to another. On his right side, right next to the window, was the caged fellow and the only way I knew he was caged was when they walked in, he glanced around like he was looking for that exit and the little bits that I did see his face he seemed to have a certain reservation in his eyes. The last of them was the large blonde dude and there's not much at all to say about him.
I stuck my pack of cigarettes into my pocket and waved the waitress over to get the bill. I left five bucks on the table and stood to leave. As I did so, the caged girl looked up and our eyes met each other like a blind man looking in the mirror for the first time. She paused midsentence and the caged boy turned and looked back at me and it made me feel a little bit funny feeling inside just how well I knew his eyes from my own reflection just weeks ago. But me, I was free. And when the door to the restaurant closed behind me, Freedom hit me in the face like an icy cold wind and Autumn sunrise in the dead Kansas morning. Actually, that's exactly what hit me in the face.

to be continued

2006-06-18T17:18:00.000-07:00

Happy go lucky to your shopping mall
A smile broad across yoru pristine face
A bomb gets popped in a coffee shop
In a hyphenated city you can't pronounce
The smiles on their faces wiped away
Not your loss.
The pink belt or the white?
The violent burst of light in the calm Baghdad night
I'm awake, on the couch and
What's that, Tom?
It's begun?
Shock and awe out of my taxes
Smoothie or sushi?
You can't decide
Both beat a mouthful of genocide
But ash and blood is the midnight snack
For the kid who's shot in the back
Your tan is fading, better go to bed
They try to help the burned and bury the dead
"Shit," you spit
The price of petrol's through the roof
I go for a walk, my mind wanders
Somewhere, I know, tanks roll out
It's a strange feeling, the sun streaking the sky
That somewhere a child is crying
A father is dying or a mother is hiding
While I walk over green field and under shade trees
Your cell phone rings
(the ringtone sings)
Your mother's on the line
A chopper's gone down
It's not looking good
But your brother's alive
(barely)
But he might not make it out
Somewhere a father buries the son
Do you feel the connection now?
It's brought home to you
More than the news at ten,
More than a game to win.
Life and death, for everyone
Am I paranoid or too concerned?
It's not looking good.

2006-06-11T11:35:00.000-07:00

Guess what.
It's been almost two months since I've updated my blog.
I keep my LJ updated with a fair amount of regularity.
This blog requires something for me to post, and lately it just has not been with me. Getting my life going, moving into my own apartment, looking for a job, all of that stuff really does not leave a lot of time for me to do much thinking on blogworthy subjects.
I have, however, been putting out a good bit of poetry but it's mostly in the low-brow zone. I might post some here, maybe tonight or tomorrow, when I have the time to type it all up.

Tiny Bill is still active, though I haven't updated his adventures in a week or two. I should do that tonight, as well. I already have the next episode made, it's just a pain getting it all online and set up on this slow dial-up.
That said, I'm considering doing a spinoff of his adventures with one of the characters that have appeared so far this round. (most likely would be the fell beast or [secret name] crystal)
If I do go forward with that, it won't be the same format as Tiny Bill and will probably take on a different theme altogether (leaving behind the dry 'comedy').

Anyway, there's my two month update.
I've moved into my own apartment, life is going good, I'm trying to find a job, and I need to go buy cat food.
Oh, and right now I'm listening almost entirely to hardcore punk. I should update my good music links to reflect this and to spread the good news.

2006-04-13T16:06:00.000-07:00

I decided to create a blog to devote to Tiny Bill. It can be found here, of course.

2006-03-20T22:59:00.000-08:00

Well, since I started regularly posting on my LJ about generic personal tidbits and such, I haven't really been posting here (at all, except for those two bits of poetry).
However, given that I'm on something of an intro-extro-spective kick, maybe that I'll be posting on here more often with non-LJ (non-girly) stuff.

For now, I'm just going to sit here and let this incense please my nostrils.

Someone on a forum I frequent (a Christian forum) commented that they are "100%" sure that The Buddha went to heaven because of his goodness in life.
Not only is that counter to what Christianity teaches, but it also made my back itch.
If Shakyamuni went to heaven, then the life of a Buddhist does not lead to karmic purity and Nirvana but rather to an eternity with a God that was often jealous, angry, and war-like.
These concepts do not align.

2006-03-20T19:05:00.000-08:00

These poems were written from the 15th to the 18th, signed MPC, in the year 2006. I'm not going to bother typing up those tags for each poem.

This Part Two is not so much a collection on a theme but rather the continuation of my refound self and is a return to regular poetry outside of the theme of the first part.
I'm still writing, but they're not going to be as structured as these poems, and as such will not be a part of the collection (Yes, these poems are structured for me - generally when I write like this, the poems are much shorter and do not make a lot of sense except to my own abstract thought).

Anyway, here they are.

The Dream

I never saw you looking back
The clouds defend you
The dying lilies reminded me
Of where we ought to be
And now here we are
Life wrenches us
From the womb
Death plunges us
To eternal darkness
But between, those endless days and nights
We have each other
And our rainy days
And your unfading beauty
And now, here we are
Where do we go from here?

Talk Back

My feet walked all of the miles
I mused all of your smiles
And now that we're here
We've nothing to fear
I am as we've always been
And I promise you
I'll see that smile again
When the rain falls on her heart
We'll see each other
From years before
Me as I am
Her as she is
As we belong
As we ought to be
As we are.

Tumbler

Sweeter than honey
Warmer than whine
Softer than the finest silk
But the best part is: you're mine
You smile so sweetly
That look in your eyes
Tells me what I always knew
And your heart beat tells no lies
And the clouds break
Rain on my parade
Rain on my sunny day
We hold the Life
The one I always wanted
And here we are now
Right back where we started.

Werewere

The sun was shining last week
But my good friends, the clouds
Owed me a favour
So I called them up
It works every time
When I'm feeling high
And losing sight
They show me where I staned
And ought to be.
I think when next the sun returns
I'll see it coming
And call them up in advance
I'm strong enough to fight its rays
But I much prefer the cool reminder
And the rain on my face.

Lacking

The beauty walks past me
Every single time
And I just sit and watch it pass
Like the ravens in the trees
I just sit here on my ass
I watched and I learned
And I learned how to watch
So now I have the tools
And the rainclouds
Give me means
While the night sky
And fogged glow street lamps
Give me strength
To live and to love
While the beauty passes by.

THE MEMORY

The somber shadow
Death can bring
Reminds to live
To love
To sing
To walk in the rain
To ride on the Sea
To love one another
To live in peace
The ones we love
Aren't long for the ground
So love them
And hold them
While they're all
Still around.

Washing Cove

The people walk,
Heads held high
Noses turned up to the sky
They do not see the grass
Trampled under foot
A memory forgotten
In a sea of faces
I will remember
I will recall
Like The Raven, keen eyed
Watching us, our failures
Unable to speak to us
Or are we unwilling to hear?
Why don't we listen?
What have we to fear?

Lanning

The love we share will never fade
We'll stay forever in this bed I made
And we'll wake up early on sunny days
And we'll sleep in late when the clouds delay
Our minds from sensing time
And together,
Hand in hand
We'll go to the pub
Or see your best mate's band
But when night falls
Each day ends the same
Your face on my pillow
Listening to the rain
The Love we share will never fade
And nothing compares to the love we made.

Next Time

Nothing important happened today
There's rain on the windows
Clouds up on high
Ink on my fingers
And spots in my eyes
It's cold when it's windy
It's wet when it's dry
I'm lost when I need you
But you ask me 'to try'
You know I say 'yes,'
And you know I don't lie
But nothing important happened today
There's rain on the windows
Clouds in the sky
Your scent on my Jacket...

Tuesday

Today awoke me like any other
No sun in sight,
I was feeling fine
By noon, it was raining
It thundered at five
And by nine I was thankful
To just be alive
As I drift off to sleep
With you back in my heart
I wonder how I made it without you
And, too, I wonder why
I lost you to begin with.
But nevermind the past
You're staying with me now,
Sweet Melancholy, my muse.

2006-03-15T14:18:00.000-08:00

These poems are Part One, starting with my first return to an old self. With the last poem ends the first phase, the reclamation, the re-finding of self, and Part Two is already under way (with life returning to day-to-day life with my refound self).

In some ways, this could be one big poem, as it mostly all deals with the same themes and even repeated words (and some repeated rhymes) and symbolisms.
It's messy, there is minimal punctuation, so make sentences where you see them for yourself.

The Back - MPC - March 12th 2006

Why do I wander
And go astray
At the very first sign
Of a warm, sunny day?
My solace cast aside
I focus on the life
Ahead of me,
Not behind.
The wind will lift
Your hair
And you'll breathe deep
The cool night air.
We'll be perfected,
Complete
We'll be perfected.

Out - MPC - March 12th 2006

Rain down on my parade
Wash with the sea across my face
Replace the milk and Honey
With the rocky shores of life
So many miles I've gone
To see those rainclouds form
Above the broken waves
Across the Eastern Shore
In my eyes, in your arms
We are beautiful
And the clouds burst
Pouring wisdom with their rain
And in the shadows of that place
We commune with The Raven
And ask, "How've things been?"

Listinge - MPC - March 12th 2006

You painted your eyes
You made them all black
The blue stood out
Oh, please come back
Your reflection stare
Has soaked my memories
Your name was unknown
I call you "Ermaline."
Beauty lost in time
You marked the beginning
Of the rest of my life
You were the line
That few will surpass
You are beauty
Sweet Ermaline.

Come Here - MPC - March 12th 2006

Through the looking glass
Down the Lane,
There and back again
Gathering the pieces
Of all I left behind
Building back a bridge
To a long forgotten time
These tunes are the keys
To doors rusted shut
But the rain tumbles down
Washing the dust away
And while The Raven calls me
I will follow once again
And this time,
I've learned what not to do.

Whistler - MPC - March 12th 2006

Say hello
To your new best friend
(He smiles wryly,
I crack a grin)
He'll be your guide
Into the wide world
(you offer him a smoke
But he says no)
Heed his words,
He's been through all of this before
(He sips his water,
I order some wine
For the two of you)
Did you hear that thunder?
It's starting to rain.

The Plays - March 14th 2006 - MPC

There's a sunny cloud in my head
It's spotting up my eyes,
I think we're seeing red
But just hold on tight
The best is yet to come
When the rain falls down
And your mind is made pure
We'll see clearly for the first time,
Of this one thing am I sure
And the sun will hide
Its deceitful stare
And Melancholy will return
For you, as it did for me
There was a sun-made cloud
But now I see things clearly.

Reactive - MPC - March 14th 2006

You're saturated
By the cares, the worries
Relax, sweetie
Let the worries roll off your back
Release the cares you hold,
The baggage you carry for the world
Hold your head up,
Walk proud
Or this old place will eat you alive
Once it knocks you down,
It drags you out.
So just relax, sweetie
And you'll do fine
Release the cares,
I'll pour the wine.

Reminded - MPC - March 14th 2006

The bottle breaks
The pitcher spills
You realise your own mistakes
But it's all-right, it's okay
Just take a step back
Mind you don't tread the glass
Working up the courage
Just to make you mine
Can take the only lifetime
I know I have.
But it's worth it
As rainclouds gather overhead
Your eyes are moist
Your cheeks are red
And in the melancholy moment, you're beautiful.

Anegast - MPC - March 14th 2006

You saw it too
The beautiful break of day
Followed, every time
By the setting sun
The shadows were our secret refuge
And together,
Hand in hand
We move like ancient, pagan dance
As joy and Melancholy blend together
Filtering the rest of our emotions
And making us pure
The movement and the rhythm
Building to the point of redemption
And making us whole
You saw it, too.

The Closing Belle - MPC - March 14th 2006

Shine out in the sea
My point of focus on every side
Every voyage I make
They all lead back to you
So shine out brightly
In the dead of night
And in the cloudy day
I promise you now,
I'll never go astray
You're the City of Gold
The Promised Land
Where all the milk and honey flow
And this time I'm remaining
Because this time I know
With you is where I've belonged the whole time.

2006-02-27T15:22:00.000-08:00

It's a beautiful day today. The wind is blowing, it's warm outside, and there are flowers blooming. It's really, really beautiful. I went outside for some photos and a smoke and I just felt so alive, the wind blowing my hair around and the birds singing in the air.

They burried us,
They put us under.
Six feet and falling fast,
With a two-sided headstone
Between Happiness and Love,
They burried us.

With the years,
The mud, the snow
Piled up and kept us down.
But we'll rise again,
Between Happiness and Love,
Where they burried us.

No matter how mechanical, how dead Love and Happiness becomes with convenience and technology, we still have the power to build it back and rise again from where it all begin (or ended?).
I do not believe the Human condition is failing, but I do believe that it has a long way to improve. We have to fight it - not with guns, not with wars, and not against The Man. We have to fight it by simply being, by being who we are and loving ourselves and each other. This isn't something you can make others do - you can't change the world. You can just fix you, and hope everyone else plays along.

Cheers.

2006-02-25T14:48:00.000-08:00

I find it a little bit odd that I'm not even moved to Oregon yet, but still I'm already thinking about where I'll move next. There's this restless bone in each of my feet and the only thing that makes it feel right is the vibration of the road beneath them.
I sit on my ass a lot, until this feeling builds up inside me and it feels like it's gonna burst and that's when I get up and go, and do, until I'm satisfied and sit back down again for a few months.

Well the few months are up. Here's to our health.

2006-02-01T22:51:00.000-08:00

Wow, I haven't updated this in a while.
There's not a lot to say right now, my life has entered a sort of humdrum pace where each day brings hope of the next day being different.
I took a step in breaking that cycle this evening, so we'll see how tomorrow goes.
My mom's still here, my dad's not doing much to change that.
Because of that, I'm no longer going to hang around here while he gets his shit together. I don't want to abandon him, but fuck sake, talk about role reversal.
I've finally [after a long while of talking about it] started the actual push toward me moving. I've been saying, 'I think today I'm just going to [somehow encourage my dad to help me move],' but I finally just said that I wanted to be gone by the end of the month and that he needed to put back some money from this paycheck.
So we'll see how that goes.

2006-01-22T14:56:00.000-08:00

1
Your eyes are sparkled
Your brow is moist
(with sweat)
And you're happy
As I make you mine.

2
The sound of it
(the childbirth)
Fills the halls
The doctor's clear voice
"It's a boy."

3
He knows how to
But you still do it
Because he likes
How you double-knot
His shoelaces.

4
Unlike my father
I do not like sports
But still
We play catch
On sunny days.

5
Her eyes are sparkled
Her brow is moist
(with sweat)
He just phoned us
"You have a grandson."

2006-01-17T16:25:00.001-08:00

I bonsai'd a few of my poems.. Here's what I got, it's kind of cool:

You won't anything I'll say a word.
You won't anything I'll say a word.
You won't anything I'll say Nothing at all.
And I'll hold you go to work, And tears fill up a voice as honey Ruby lips begin to give.
But none of the lies With an empty heart made of these gave me Peace I make you til we didn't have a damn to leave, Cos I dried up my eyes You love me Peace I hope they can find What family really means Instead of stone Few things made of stone Few things made of stone Few things made true sense But it was all And I'll hold you turned nine.
Ten years of silence..
My, oh my, And a tub with the tears I've shed And you go to work, And man, I'm tired of stone Few things made of stone Few things made true sense But now that we're older I belonged And a tub with the whiskey I've downed My feet were so sore From the morning comes, And I dried up all the hole shot through my And you go to move And she built her home on lies With an empty heart made of these gave me For the whiskey I've downed My oh my, And tears fill up my eyes You love me too.
Well, I belonged And tears fill up a damn to leave, Cos I hope they can find What family really means Instead of stone Few things made true sense But now that ...

2006-01-15T18:47:00.000-08:00

This ink means nothing.
Did you know that?
Seriously.

Where do you go when every path you see is blocked?
To the path you cannot see, but know is there.

That is where I am now - I'm on that path that I know leads someplace, but I can't see it, so I just take every step in stride and know - I don't believe, I know - that each step will take me where I need to be in this life.
My footsteps take me where I need to be.
I just have to keep my wits about me and trudge on in the moment - Peace is every step. This is where I am, this is my moment.

2006-01-15T16:28:00.000-08:00

You won't anything
I'll say
"Nothing at all."
And I'll hold you til we fall asleep.
And when the morning comes,
And I make you toast
You still won't say a word.
You haven't since you turned nine.
Ten years of silence..
My, oh my,
And you go to leave,
Cos I have to work,
And you look into my eyes.
With a voice as sweet as honey
Ruby lips begin to move
And tears fill up my eyes
You love me too.

2006-01-15T15:55:00.000-08:00

Today is Kim's birthday :)
She's 20. She's getting so old! Let's poke fun at her now!
But seriously, it's so awesome that she's 20. She's officially out of the teen years.
Good on her.

In other news, I have been writing a lot in my journal but stopped posting here because it was getting redundant, same shit different day.
As it stands right now, my mom is still here and my dad's still trying to figure out what to do. I'm still trying to get him to help me move to Oregon and every day he changes his mind or reasons or whatever.
So now I'm just going to start the process and get him involved.

Wish me luck?
Thanks.

Yahoo.

2006-01-12T16:53:00.000-08:00

I've started a side-project blog, called Bulgarian Hamster.
I've moved my post on how to start an indie band over to that blog, and am going to be posting other such things there. Maybe witty stuff, maybe angry stuff, maybe environmentalist stuff, maybe vegan outrage, who knows. Just keep an eye on it and see what happens :)

2006-01-10T12:47:00.000-08:00

Well, I could piss and moan
'Bout some broken bone
Or the hole shot through my heart
Well, what would that achieve?
You could fill up a wine glass
With all the tears I've shed
And a tub with the whiskey I've downed
My feet were so sore
From the paths I've walked
And I dried up all the pens I owned
My lungs still hate me
For the smoke I lived
But none of these gave me Peace
I knew years ago
Just where I belonged
And man, I'm tired of running.

2006-01-10T00:44:00.000-08:00

people always seem to turn to substance abuse for artistic reasons.
why is that?
i think the only thing right now i 'use' is coffee - and granted, i drink it very strong and very often.
i do so for two very specific reasons: i absolutely love the taste, and i have need of staying up late and get too sleepy otherwise.

i've thought about getting a bit of alcohol before writing, and it just makes me gag. i've realised lately that i just don't need it. i don't need alcohol to write, to photograph. though it sure as fuck helped me play the harmonica.
i remember laying out in the front lawn as drunk as ever and just howling away without a care in the world.
alcohol helped me escape my fears.
but now i'm just simply not afraid.
i don't need a substance to write because i am no longer afraid to delve, to see who i am, what i am, and to speak it.

it's always there, just sometimes we're afraid to show others because we do not want to be judged.

well fuck that.

fuck that

2006-01-10T00:26:00.000-08:00

hold up that smile
pick up that reminder
don't let your salty tongue
keep on reminding her
wash your face withotu memories
and hold that smile
someday it might be all she's got

you love her
her heart ain't yours
but that's okay
because you love her

hold up that smile
spit up that gin
hang around a while longer
let her be the pay-off
cos you've waited long enough
but let her make that move
and just hold that smile
and just keep that grin

2006-01-10T00:08:00.000-08:00

when i first started trying to get away from the depression and alcoholism that had gripped my life for a while, i blamed a lot of it on the music i was listening to.
i started listening to a lot of mellow music, less depressing stuff. mostly the flaming lips and marcy playground and lemon jelly. and akeboshi.
i have a lot of ideas about the fake music in today's world, and contemporary stuff was really making me feel empty, and fake.
and i'm not even talking about commercialised musics.
i'm talking mostly about indie, which i really pushed far away from me - and some of it for obvious reasons. bright eyes and anything else with oberst behind the mic really brings me down. for obvious reasons.
i think that music from like '89-'95 has a lot more life to it, a lot more meaning behind it, because life had a lot more to it and a lot more meaning behind it.
however, i overlooked one simple fact: i'm contemporary. my feelings aren't fake, and i write them, and i photograph them, and maybe someday i'll sing them.
i'm not in the past, and if i can be sincere, if i can be real, then so can they.
so, i'm easing some of my older tunes back into the lineup, saddle creek stuff and what have you.

but you know what i've noticed? it wasn't the music that was depressing.
it was how i heard it, how i wanted it to be in my mind.

i was depressed, and i never even knew it.

i was depressed, and no one knew it

2006-01-08T11:37:00.000-08:00

i wonder
i wander
and how far, how deep this rabbit hole?

my feet are not my guide
my heart is not my trappings
the road rising up does not deny
my longing eyes the world

with wings of wax to fall
i hope from the sun's heat
below me is the road
i seek and the mountains that lift me up

i wander
i wander
and how far i wonder, how deep this rabbit hole?

my hands do not gift
the world with the art i lack
the miles stretch before
and i will not rest.

2006-01-07T21:39:00.000-08:00

When the last call sounds
And you're looking at the ground
With your face
against a window
Peering downard
Further than any soul
Further than any mind
Than any heart
Any heart?
What am I saying?

When the last call sounds
And you're looking at the ground
With your face against a window
Peering into the depth of soul
Further than any mind
No, not right.

When the last call sounds
..
Fuck it.

this is something i've never done before. it's sort of an experimental poem, i guess. it's about trying, and failing.

2006-01-04T17:14:00.000-08:00

Well, it looks as if my dad is warming to the idea of me moving to Oregon.
I will make this work!
I wish that I had not been so controlled by my late mother.
I do not use it as an excuse, but it would have made things a lot easier if she hadn't controlled me so much as I was growing up.
Because of how I was raised, I know very little about how to live and function in the every-day world. By not teaching me to drive (for instance) - by discouraging it, even - she kept me dependent on her. She kept me under control. Now that she is gone, I'm learning things I should have been taught at 16 and 17.

If you want to homeschool your kids, teach them at home.
Don't just keep them there so that you can control them.
For that, they'll hate you, someday.

2006-01-04T14:12:00.000-08:00

We didn't know or understand
We'd never been that far
So when the time came,
He ran away
And she built her home on lies
With an empty heart made of stone
Few things made true sense
But it was all we'd ever known
So we didn't have a damn to give.
But now that we're older
I hope they can find
What family really means
Instead of the lies
Carla left behind
In the house that held no sins.

2006-01-04T12:05:00.000-08:00

The spit in your mouth
Was the soul of his love
And a taste
You will never
Forget.

The blood on your thumbs
Was the brand of your desire
And you know
He will always
Remind.

His parents thought
That you were too loose
But you showed
Him a life
And he loves you.

2006-01-03T21:50:00.000-08:00

Watch out
You're losing your grip
Your starting to slip, man
How far below is your bed of nails?
You wait all your life
While you waste all your time
With kerosene and memories
But hold back
You're coming on now
You're making it move
Have you hit the floor
To bounce back up again?
You've watched to learn
While the times-past burn
With Vicodin and Sympathy.

2006-01-03T18:57:00.000-08:00

Where do you go from here?
When - how - do you tell life "that's enough, it's my turn now?"
I have a feeling that my life is about to become very chaotic and uncomfortable.
Seems to me like I had everything lined up, set up, and ready to go, and then everything just went crazy. Again.
But this is my year.
I'm going to make it happen, somehow. I have to.
Because this is my year.
It's just a matter of figuring out how.
It's like a ghost is haunting me, and all I can do is watch as it pulls my life apart.

I really am a selfish son of a bitch.
You can say that again.
I really am a selfish son of a bitch.

2006-01-03T16:11:00.000-08:00

One curve ball after another is thrown at the plate.
Can they keep up?

I'm thinking about buying a pack of cigarettes.
I've been not smoking now for about two months and have never felt better. I'm curious to see if I can moderate my smoking now, but that's a big risk to take.
So, I probably won't risk it, until I know I can really just smoke "now-and-again."

I've started back drinking coffee. That's going well. It made my heart act up last night, though. So, we'll see.

I've decided to start being myself more. I'm a very obnoxious, sometimes even hyper kind of person. I don't usually act on it, though, cos it's "foolish" and such, and was heavily discouraged by my mom.
But that's history now.
Time to live.
Time to be me.

I'm proud to be an American..

(feellikemakinlove)

Oh, and I'm sure people are sick of hearing this, but I bought a size medium sweater, and it fits.
It's weird to not be fat anymore.
Very weird.
And I need new clothes, cos all I gats is gigantic.
For real.

2006-01-02T22:04:00.000-08:00

What is this culture that I seek?
Does it exist, and if so - will I find it? Why haven't I started living yet, in that aspect?
I have the tools, the life, so why am I not exercising it?
Who knows, maybe I'm going to start that life soon.
It has always been on the horizon for me, always seeming out of reach - but why?
Am I just too lazy, or too afraid?
Has my raising left me inept?
I don't think it matters.
I'm always waiting - or always saying "this time, I'm doing it - this time, it's for real."
It never was, I never did.
So, what is different this time?
I've changed in other ways.
I've stuck to other things.
This year comes with more than me saying - I've already been doing, changing, becoming.
I'm already something more.

Speaking of which, I need some sex.

2006-01-02T08:56:00.000-08:00

I wish I was the elephant that's always in the room.

It's a rainy day today. Nothing like a cold, lazy dribble to calm the mind and remind me that everything is all-right.

I wish I was the broken chair that you still sit upon.

There's something about rainy days for me. They always seem to come and go with my emotions. My emotions? So many delusions.

I wish I had the love you need to make your life a blast.

How do people find this weather depressing? For me, it flows the ink and makes clear the mind. Everything becomes clear in the rain, as it washes away our distractions.

I wish I was the back to break when you can take no more.

Maybe the rain-born clarity is too much for some. The distractions are all they have to hide behind?
Perhaps.

2006-01-02T08:34:00.000-08:00

It's cold out here. very cold, without a jacket
The sun went down
Back to the winter night
Will I make it through this all?
It's cold out here
But within
This subtle peace and warmth
I've found
I'm okay and all-right
Because this subtle peace saves
Unsure now
Where does it turn, this
Winding road?
Always back.
Always back.
So I make the choice
Another way
Leads me beyond the Light
Of day.
It's cold out there.
There's no flimsy jacket that withstands
The Sun-down chill
The bleak facade of winter
So I turn
Within.
Within.

2006-01-01T22:08:00.000-08:00

I didn't get much sleep last night.
I was up until five in the morning on the phone.
I'm surprised I was awake that long.
But, my sister phoned at like eightish, and I didn't even try to go back to sleep.
My eyes are the only sleepy feeling part of my body. My mind is awake, but my eyes burn.
I feel like I've been crying all day, but I haven't.

How am I so fortunate?
The love I hold for others and the love that is returned..sometimes, it astounds me.
How is it that I have been so blessed since swearing off Christianity?
By my old beliefs, I should be miserable.
But life is going my way now, and it never did then.
Funny how that works, isn't it?

Tomorrow, when the sun comes up, they'll be there. And so will our love.

Love should be free.
Love is free.

..Isn't it?

2006-01-01T19:07:00.000-08:00

My mother died today.
Somewhat fitting start to a new year, a new chapter in my life, and a new notebook.
I hope that this, my first winter in Utah, will be my last.
I'm not sure now when I'll be going to Oregon. My dad needs me more than a certain cute girl.
I'm just tired of waiting.
Really, really tired.

All of my life, my mom has kept my family where she wanted it.
Now that's over.

In some ways, that's just going to make things tougher for me, but that's okay.
Life is life and I shall live it.
I have some very amazing girls in my life that make it all all-right.
Thank you, all of you.
You know what you doing.

In other news, I took some photos today.

this is from my new notebook journal thingy

2005-12-31T07:55:00.000-08:00

That's the bitch part of it, isn't it?
The good times end. I'm not even going to preach Buddhism on this one. heh
I will, however, preach The Flaming Lips:
Do you realize that everyone you know, some day, will die? And instead of saying all of your goodbyes, let them know you realize that life goes fast - it's hard to make the good things last.

I used to struggle a lot with inevitability. A lot. More than most people might know.
What's the point of good if it goes away and gives us back to the default 'Bad' of life?

What I realised, for me, is that the point is just to live, to enjoy every second as if it is the most perfect second, and to cherish and hold on to those good things we do have.

Because life's a bitch.
..And then you die.

2005-12-30T20:43:00.000-08:00

One word confirmed
A glistening heartbeat
Here eyes cut through all lies
And not one smile faded
As the sun went down
Because I held her hand in mine

The night would be long
So we hoped for the best
Her eyes cut through all lies
And we weren't perfect
But that was all-right
Because we knew we had to try.

2005-12-29T06:45:00.000-08:00

Wow, is that header like some kind of crappy emoesque song title or what?
I might make it into a poem.
Isn't that kind of self-defiance?

I woke up at 07:31 this morning.
You ask why fine I'll tell you.
I pulled some muscle in my back yesterday afternoon and by about 17:00 I could hardly even move. So I went to sleep. Most boring evening ever. I tried talking to Kim on the phone, we talked like 45 minutes and then I had to go because it was hurting and I needed to make it stop. Then I tried talking to her online, but couldn't focus cos of the pain. Then later I tried calling Chantie and I was so distracted I just went to sleep.
So now I'm wide awake, and there's no one here to talk to and I'm really bored and wishing I had a time machine to make last night come back.
But as we all know, time travel is not possible - if it would ever be possible, we'd already know about it because without a doubt, some day, somehow, someone would come to this moment in time and tell us about it, and sometime in the past, and as such we'd already know about it.

I'm not eating today. <-i changed my mind

beautiful morning without you

2005-12-19T10:48:00.000-08:00

Well, as you might have noticed (presuming you read my blog), I've been away for a while. That is because none other than the one, the only, the greatest friend a human could ask for came to visit me. For ten days. It wasn't nearly long enough, but it was a fix.
Now to find a way to get her back here sooner. She said she won't come visit me again until I move to Eugene, so as to give me more incentive. Which sounds just fine and dandy to me, the sooner I get out of here the better. Not like I'm going to explode, I just don't care much for all of this snow and babysitting and such.

I've been doing a lot of serious studying on Buddhism, mostly Zen but I'm also looking into Jodo Shinshu and have been studying the combined background of Pure Land Buddhism. It has really put me into a zone, a good zone, wherein things are all starting to make sense and the understandings I held in the past are starting to return and a certain faith in humanity, like the first bit of green on the trees of Spring, is growing in my heart.

We can do this. We are all of us Buddha.

2005-12-03T17:46:00.000-08:00

I've noticed that so many people spend their time trying to answer the "how?" and the "why?" of Life.
I understand their need for answers to those questions, as I understand why an addict needs a fix, but I can't help but feel like it's such a waste of time.
Does it matter how we got here? Does it matter why?
I'll tell you why we're here: To live.
That's the only thing anyone can know for sure - we're here to live and procreate and breathe and eat and drink and enjoy all that life has to offer.

So, why do people spend so much time trying to figure out these things when it's all right there in front of us?
Is it so hard to just live, to just enjoy what Life has to offer and not question it all of the time?

2005-12-02T13:29:00.000-08:00

The snow was falling for a few days straight and sometimes it was melting even as more fell from the sky.
Then last night, I thought I heard rain. I stepped onto the porch and was not cold without a jacket. The air was breezy, the trees were moving and making the sound I thought was rain. The night was warmer than the day and the snow had melted and it felt like Spring.
And it felt like Spring.

Anyone who has known me more than three years knows that I go through phases every Fall and Winter where I'm either in love with the current season or awaiting Spring.
This is one of those phases.
I'm listening to Lemon Jelly (linked over there as 'music makes me'). I'm recolouring my blog. I'm dreaming about Spring. I'm playing Pokemon.
Yes, Pokemon and Spring go together for me. So the fuck what?

I'd like to think that someday I can change the season at will so as to never get bored with whatever the day brings.

i'd make it spring all of the time

2005-11-24T18:02:00.000-08:00

I just ate meat for the first time in three weeks. I feel completely gross. I wanted to partake in family tradition and let me just say I'm glad this family tradition rolls around only once a year! I feel so weighted down and weird.
Tomorrow, I shall consume salad!

I also had my first coke in 3 weeks, besides when I tried to drink some the other night and had half a can. It was so-so. Didn't like how it made me feel either, so I guess it's back to water with lemon or lime in.

The good thing is I've started drinking coffee again, as of night before last. I've conquered the need, and now can enjoy it as it is.

That makes me feel good.

2005-11-24T08:05:00.000-08:00

I washed a load of towels first thing this morning. That's just not normal for me. I got up, walked into the bathroom, scooped up the towels, took them to the laundry room, and washed them.

Before I even touched the computer.

2005-11-21T01:51:00.000-08:00

I can't believe this is over. I can't believe I'm going to go to bed, go to sleep, and wake up to such a great day as tomorrow promises to be. I can't believe this is over.
Since the day I met the Snake, I wished I did not know him. He plagued my private space, my life, and now he's gone.
It's like I'll be breathing a new sort of air tomorrow.

I can't believe this is over. I really can't believe this is over. I feel like I have my life back. So much has changed in the past few weeks, for the good, but there has been such a cloud over it all because of the Snake. Tomorrow, I think my head might explode with joy. Without that cloud, the good will be so overwhelming I just might get lost in it.
I really can't believe this is over.
So much good is going to flow into me tomorrow, I hope I can handle it.
I know I can handle it.

come as you are

2005-11-20T11:18:00.000-08:00

You know, it's strange how territory works for me. I'm a very laid back person. I'm confident in my ability to retain my territory because I have no fear of losing it. I don't feel like I have to protect it from being taken from me, because it would have to decide to leave me. My pride says that won't happen - I'm confident, I'm sure of what I have, I'm not losing it. Ever. To anyone.
If another male comes into my territory, if he passes through, fine by me. I'd be alert, I'd be agitated, but I'd let it be until it threatens something. If the female allows and accepts the male into the group, then he becomes a part of that. As long as he respects my Alpha status, I'm happy. It's about respect, really, and that's all I demand. Respect. I demand respect.

But, that's presuming the other male is of the same kind. In this current sittuation unfolding around me, it's not about another male trying to take my territory. It's not another Lion, it's a Snake, and it's a threat to the health and well-being of the Group and specifically of my territory. It's not that the Snake could take something of mine as his own, rather that the Snake could harm and hurt that something or generally disturb the peace of the Pride.
And that's when I get cranky. That's when I get defensive, confrontational, and ornery. And for good reason.

everyone is everything is everyone is everything

2005-11-19T18:25:00.000-08:00

He hates me
He hates me
Why? Because
Because I moved
And I made it
And so he hates me
While I love him
where I would help
Some will not listen
One cannot save the world
But I shall
I shall.

2005-11-19T16:39:00.000-08:00

What is it that makes one view the bad, the dark, the pain in their life instead of the good?
Life sucks. It really does. No one can deny that. There's death, everywhere, all of the time. We lose every single person we love, and we always will unless they lose us first. Life sucks.
But so the fuck what?
It's also very, very good, if we choose it to be. If we make it thus, it can be absolutely beautiful - we need only open our eyes to the beauty that already exists there. Life is good, life sucks, and humans choose to see it one way or another.
Why is that?
What is it that makes one choose to see the bad in life instead of the good?
What is it that makes one choose to see the bad in life instead of making life good, making it something to be enjoyed?
Why is it so many people live their lives depressed and down because of stupid fucked up shit they can't even control instead of just being happy with what they have and accepting life as it comes to their door?

2005-11-19T16:34:00.000-08:00

Look! Pink!

Mmm. I like Pink.

Yes, that's what I'm hinting at. Yes. Because I'm a pervert.

2005-11-18T22:14:00.000-08:00

I've come to realise recently that all I really want to do is lay on the grass and relax, just lay back and chill out and just enjoy what I have in my life.
Right now, if I could gain nothing and lose nothing, I would be happy. Life is that great. There are nagging gnats that buzz around my head, but fuck them, I have my life and I'm happy with it.
I could die today and I'd be a liar if I said I'd die happy. You don't die happy. You die wishing you had one more year, one more month, one more day, or one more fucking second to spend with those you love.
You don't die happy.

ever.

2005-11-18T16:54:00.000-08:00

You know whe you were a kid, and your cousin killed the cat and blamed it on you and everyone believed him and you couldn't figure out why and you felt like your stomach was going to explode and that your head was about to fall off?

Yeah, exactly.

exactly.

2005-11-18T15:16:00.000-08:00

Who was I kidding?
I wasn't annoyed with myself. I was annoyed with one person, and one person only. I was annoyed with a sittuation, I was annoyed by a dachshund facing down a pit bull. I was annoyed by a mosquito that will not stop ramming into the screen, trying to sap my blood, but never being able to get there. Yet it continues to ram against, it continues to ram against. Doesn't it see it's only drying up the blood upon which it hopes to feast? It's just pushing that blood into my soul, further from its reaches, further from its chances.
Maybe that's what it wants, to starve.

I was annoyed, and I still am.

i'll ping a pound of posies, til i'm dead

2005-11-18T11:56:00.000-08:00

Annoyed - red

Red, indeed. I'm annoyed with myself. I'm annoyed because my hands are tied, my words are twisted, and people have a problem with me based on something I never said and never felt. And my hands are tied.
I absolutely detest being misunderstood. I say things as plainly as I can, I define, I speak clearly, I spell things fucking out but then things get twisted and cut and chopped and half of half of what I say gets said and I don't even know where to begin to set things right again.

2005-11-18T08:25:00.000-08:00

Oh, that I could write down last night's dream on this blog. Sadly, I cannot because of those involved therein. Believe me when I say, however, that it was hilarious.
"My man," he said. "My man."
Heheheh.

Anyway, I'm not just jabbering. There is a point to this post - and that point is this: I feel absolutely completely free right now. I never felt too held back, but now I feel not held back at all. I feel like the world is just sitting there and I'm spinning around it.
Last night was a very, very good night for me. Things were settled on one front and authority given me to settle things on another front. That makes me very happy. I feel like I've finally grabbed Opportunity by the golden balls (ha, double-cliche merger!), and things are going to soar. And things are going to soar.

Look at me being all arbitrary. ;)

i had a dream that we were lovers